You are sitting on your couch, or sitting at a coffee shop, and you find your mind wondering off, and before you know it you have googled happy married life.
Maybe you are just wondering what exactly makes up a happy married life? Or maybe you are in a rut… maybe it is even safe to call it marriage problems? And you are wondering what steps need to happen to make your relationship fit more of the “happy married life” description?
Either way, you have found your way to exactly where you are supposed to be, this post.
While I don’t have every answer, and I’ve certainly learned my lessons from experimenting them firsthand, I want to share with you a decade’s worth of my happy married life secrets. And I’m going to be honest with you, some will not apply to your particular situation, some will give you the exact thing you need to start thinking about in your relationship and a few things might make you shake your head because they just aren’t going to be for you.
And that is ok.
It is important that you recognize each relationship is different; each relationship is uniquely designed by God and the recipe for success is intended to be different. But I do hope that you get some good ideas today so that you can have a happy married life too!
The Beginning Of A Happy Married Life
My husband’s parents just celebrated their 39th wedding anniversary this year, my mom has been married a few times 😉. To say we came from different backgrounds would be a bit of an understatement.
When we met, we were in high school, fell in love and the rest is history. I have heard many times from the beginning of our relationship that we were young so not to take things “too serious”. My advice in the beginning of any relationship, especially if you eventually want to have a happy married life, is to actually take things seriously.
It is perfectly ok if you date and decide someone is not the right person for you. So what I mean by take things serious is know what you are doing, what you want, and most importantly-know what you DON’T want before you waste your precious time.
What are your non-negotiables in a relationship?
What are the few things you will NOT sacrifice? It could be a religion, a philosophy about raising children or something as “simple” as the type of role you will take on in your married life.
There is no wrong answer to any of these questions, there is simply the right answer for you. Whether you are married, dating, engaged or single I suggest you spend a few minutes really thinking about what your list is. Write it down and tuck it away somewhere safe so when you do find yourself in the next phase of a relationship, you can refer back to this list and double check you haven’t gotten yourself off track.
Living Your Best Happy Married Life
Now that you are married, how do you ensure a happy one?
While I am grateful that I haven’t faced marriage problems, I think a big part of it is because we’ve included these 5 things in our relationship early on. So, speaking from my 10 years of marriage experience, and 15+ years of being with the same person, these are the things I hope and pray my own children understand when it comes to relationships and I hope they help you too:
- Communication
- Wanting the same thing
- Growing Together
- Being Honest
- Focusing On Yourself
Communication
There are things like strength tests, communication style tests but honestly, I love the 5 love languages and couldn’t imagine a better book (and test) for you to read! Not only is it important to understand how you like to receive love but also how you show love. Did you know it can actually be different?
Learning your love language and your partner’s love language is a great start to closing any gaps in the communication department in marriage! What good is it if your husband keeps bringing you home flowers but ignoring you when the game is on if your love language is quality time?
Trust me, my husband knows that him pitching in extra to do a chore around the house when I am extra busy with work or the kids pays dividends compared to buying me flowers 😉. I highly suggest you take this free quiz and learn your love language!
How to Avoid Some Marriage Problems From The Start
When I was younger my grandma used to tell me that while she thought I would have a happy married life, she was afraid that my husband and I would get bored as we grew older. Well, thankfully we are off to a great start in proving her totally wrong. But the missing piece she didn’t understand was that it wasn’t a level of excitement that was missing, we just simply fit well when it came to wanting the same things in life from the beginning.
Remember that list of non-negotiables I mentioned earlier? We share a lot of the same non-negotiables and she interpreted that as boring. Honestly, I’m so glad that I found someone who has a really close list of non-negotiables because it has limited the amount of fights we have had and prohibited us from having any real marriage problems to date.
How do you fight with someone who is similarly built at the core as you, marching towards the same things in life? Some may interpret this as boring, but I say it is a great way to end up with a happy married life 😉. Take some time writing out your list and talk to your spouse about it. Don’t be upset if you have differences, just be open to hearing them. It is amazing how much you learn when you just listen!
Grow Together, Not Apart For A Happy Married Life
I’m a firm believer that as we grow closer to God, we grow closer to each other. Likewise, it is important that through any major element in life you are deciding to use it as an opportunity to GROW TOGETHER as a couple.
For instance, when you begin a new hobby, career path, becoming parents etc. these are all really good examples of major life changes that often cause stress to couples. I think this happens because when going through these changes you are usually outside of your comfort zone and we don’t always tend to act our best when we feel that way.
You can use these life changes as an opportunity to strengthen your marriage instead of adding it to the list of marriage problems. You can do this by increasing your communication with your partner. Hold yourself accountable to remember this: it is always going to be easier to blame the other person.
So, instead of blaming when you feel stressed, I REALLY encourage you to look inward first. Identify the real why you feel impacted by the change; try and be honest so you can figure out why it is taking you away from each other instead of closer.
Example:
First off, understanding where your spouse is at in their journey of life is not about always doing things together. It is about supporting and encouraging them to be the best person they can be. For example, I love personal development and have really pushed myself outside of my comfort zone this past year. I’ve been outside of my comfort zone more times than I can count and have felt the inner stress of it all. It would have been easy for me to blame him for not “supporting” me, for not jumping in with 2 feet and doing it alongside of me.
As a result, looking inward first helped me identify that I was just feeling uncomfortable trying new things and that putting blame on my spouse would have just been a way to avoid dealing with my real feelings. Look inward first, be honest for yourself and avoid a completely unnecessary argument!
Happy Married Life Means Being Honest
When you first read the title of this section did your mind jump to negativity or did it think of being honest as a positivity? Honestly, if you jumped to the negative side, don’t worry, it is pretty common for people to jump to the negative side of what being honest means. Maybe that is a reason why marriage problems are so present these days?
What level of honesty do you have within your marriage?
Does your spouse know what is on your heart? Does your spouse know what is the most exciting part of your life right now? What you are most afraid of?
If you didn’t answer yes to these questions, I want you to spend some time thinking about what is holding you back from sharing it with your spouse?
When your spouse doesn’t do something you asked or you find yourself in a situation where things aren’t going easy, how do you respond? Is it irritated, snippy and your opportunity to remind him that he “never listens to you” or blame him for why it went wrong?
Quite frankly, I think that is the lazy approach. It takes less effort to blame than to take a deep breath and talk through it. Next time you find yourself in a position like this I want you to think before reacting so you can respond in a constructive way and be honest with your spouse about it.
Example
Instead of… “you watch too much TV” just tell him what you really mean, you don’t feel like you are getting enough quality time together.
I have been on both sides of that conversation throughout the years and while it isn’t comfortable in the moment it is SO important to learn to be honest with your spouse if you want a happy married life. Check out these other ways you can help improve to contribute to growing your family into a happier family!
Above all else, I hope you find this tip easy enough to start incorporating into your life right away and kiss away those marriage problems that often come from not saying how you really feel.
Focusing On Yourself
The best way to have a happy married life is to have a good relationship with the most important person in your life; yourself. You are the only person who can make yourself happy because happiness comes from within. So, take the time to get to know yourself as you grow in years and experiences. Focus on self-care, learn how to find time to do the things you need to make you your best self.
It isn’t selfish, it is necessary. It is pretty cliché to give this example but think of an airplane. When you are getting your safety instructions, who do they always say to put the oxygen mask on first? Yep, you guessed it- YOU! Not your child, your spouse or the guy missing an arm to your left. So, if you aren’t taking care of you remember that you cannot take care of others, including taking care of your relationships in a healthy way.
A Happy Married Life Or Marriage Problems
I won’t pretend to know your story, or where the problems or fears sit within your relationship. But I did write this because I think it is important to reflect on what has made my marriage feel successful over the last 10 years and share the experience.
I hope you can glean what you need from this, and if not, keep looking, keep praying. Keep working on yourself and I pray that you find yourself soon being able to celebrate from the rooftops that you too have a happy married life!
Share with me in the comments below your best marriage tip!
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